I feel lost

Common, I'm sure, for mothers with kids on the spectrum, but seriously, I feel very lost. I hear all these stories about how when their children got the MMR, they began showing signs of autism. Really? They can pinpoint it so clearly?

Where have I gone wrong? I don't remember that moment. That moment when Kelly was talking, or at least making attempts at communicating, and then stopped. Or that moment when he was attempting to walk and just gave up on himself. I never had that moment of here today, gone tomorrow.

With Kelly and Jesse, it was a gradual deterioration of certain motor skills. One day, they'd attempt, and the next day, they wouldn't. I believed, at the time, that it was out of frustration for not being able to get that skill perfected. 'They're just like me,' I thought to myself.

I'm told that this was a red flag I should have caught. Um....yeah. I caught it. I told the doctor. He said, "Boys mature slower. Give him time." I did. Then by the time they realize they lost time to do an EXTREME early intervention, precious time was lost.

So where does that leave me? Lost. I did what I thought I had to do. I didn't want to rock the boat too much, for fear of drowning. But maybe that's what I should have done. Rock the boat, begin drowning, and hopefully, someone will throw me a life preserver.

I'll never know, will I?