If I had the choice....

I heard a heartbreaking story from a father of a disabled son. 30 plus years ago, when his baby boy was born, the nurses called him aside. His son was born with no hand. They showed him a baby whose mother abandoned him and offered to switch the babies, and send the 'bad' one away.

He said no. That baby boy (the bad one) is mine.

Can you imagine?

There have been many days/nights where I thought, "Why me, God?" I thought I was being punished for something I did years ago. Having children with issues is not an easy task for anyone. For a very long time, I honestly thought it was a punishment.

How wrong I am.

I've endured a lot over the last 38 (almost 39) years. I live in constant self-doubt, but I seem to pull through with limited scarring. Looking back, I've realized those challenges weren't so bad.

11 years ago when our oldest son was diagnosed, all I saw was darkness. I saw no future. I felt nothing. I was numb.

Looking back, those challenges weren't so bad.

If I was faced with a decision to switch babies, there is no way in hell I could do it.

I hear Kelly's laugh and realize that he's inherited my laugh. His sense of humor is pretty warped and sarcastic, and even a bit immature. Just like his mama and daddy.

I hear Jesse talk of things that are way out of his league with such enthusiasm and confidence. There's his dad right there. Full of information that people may (or may not) be interested in.

My daughter, although not autistic, has her days of silliness and her days of 'just leave me alone!'. Just like mama.

I couldn't trade any one of them, even on the worst day - when all three are being so obnoxious due to the full moon.

If I had the choice, I'd do it all again. I'm glad to have the burden on my back because I have found that I am stronger than I thought.